Wacky Wednesday Complaints
Just when you thought your job was hard; imagine getting this in your mail and trying really hard to write a letter of apology back…
Dear Animal Crackers,
How do you live with yourselves? How dare you condone the eating of exotic animal species? Don’t you realize some of these animals are even endangered? Or do you know that and not even CARE?!
Now, I’m not some crackpot. I realize now that the Animal Crackers are not, in fact, made out of the animals, but even so: getting kids at an early age to associate eating penguins or tigers or hippos with a delicious taste sensation is conditioning them to want to eat the actual animals when they’re older!
Further, Animal Crackers give kids the incorrect impression that wild animals will have a sweet taste, while it is my experience that they are generally savory. Of all the monkeys, zebras, pandas, lions, etc. I have eaten over the years, none of them have tasted remotely like Animal Crackers, frosted or unfrosted.
I suggest that you stop featuring rare and exotic animal shapes in your crackers, instead opting for acceptable-to-eat animal shapes like cows, chickens, and squirrels. If you must persist in shaping your crackers like wild game, you should at least make the taste authentic. In this day and age, we can make jelly beans that taste like boogers, so I’m sure we can get a tiger cracker that tastes just like a delicious tiger.
Sincerely,
Lester Krotensis
What would you say if you were the head of the complaint department?
~by Lilith Silvermane
Lipstick to Crayons contributing writer
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