Mean Girls
I first wrote the following post in February 2009 when I did the Beth Moore Bible Study, Esther: It’s Tough Being a Woman. I’m reprinting it here (with some edits/additions) because I’m doing the Esther study again and I think a reminder about “mean girls” is good for all of us now and then.
————–
We’ve all experienced mean girls. And most/all of us have probably been mean girls at one time or another (or another, or another). I recently had the pleasure of listening to an amazing lecture on the subject of “mean girls” that really got to the heart of the matter for me as a mother.
As I’ve mentioned, I’m currently doing the Beth Moore Bible study, “Esther: It’s Tough Being a Woman”. During today’s video lesson, Beth (if you do one of her studies, you come to think of her as a friend and start calling her by her first name) shared some very insightful things about meanness, many of which were Bible-based. Some of my favorite thoughts were:
- Meanness alwayshas a history. (Isn’t that so true? We may not want to admit it, but there is always a story behind someone’s meanness — even our own).
- There is nothing meaner than a coward. (‘Nuf said.)
- Meanness catches like a virus and we can spread it down from generation to generation or horizontally to those with whom we come in contact. (This truth makes my stomach hurt. I think as women and mothers we must, must, must acknowledge our responsibility in NOT spreading the meanness virus.)
- We are most likely to compare ourselves to someone we perceive as a threat. (Why is that? I believe it’s true, but it baffles me.)
- Insecurity is at the heart of every rivalry. (Duh! This one is so obvious, I almost didn’t include it. But it’s a good reminder, whether we’re the ones feeling insecure or the “rival” of the one feeling insecure.)
- Coming in contact with a mean girl raises up your own mean girl. (AMEN!)
- Meanness is curable. Don’t repay evil with evil. (This is one that’s easy to skim over because Beth uses the word “evil.” We don’t think of our actions as evil. But what if you swap out the word “evil” with “harsh words” or “gossip” or “the silent treatment” or “criticism?” Then it hits a little closer to home, eh?
- Be nice to your mean girl. Don’t serve her or bow down to her, but be nice until her heart sears with conviction. (This one is along the lines of love your enemy. Or pray for your enemy. I have often been given this advice. Sometimes I’ve followed it. It ALWAYS helps — it might only help me, but it always helps.)
Okay — if you can’t relate to EVERY one of these sentiments, wisdoms, facts — whatever you want to call them — then you don’t have two X chromosomes. But there are probably a few that really strike a chord. For me, it’s the “coming in contact with a mean girl raises up your own mean girl.”
When I became a mother, I thought I’d inherently develop a tenderness and protection toward all children. And for the most part, that’s what happens — unless said child does something to one of MY children. Whoa! I did not know I could have such evil thoughts toward someone who hadn’t even reached puberty until a wicked little second-grader spread her meanness to my first born many years ago. My husband wasn’t even sure he knew the woman who expressed those somewhat-violent fantasies with him.
That’s why I was so thankful to hear Beth talk about a similar reaction in relation to one of her daughters and a nemesis. It’s helpful and healing to know that we’re not alone and that “coming in contact with a mean girl raises up your own mean girl.”
Still, that doesn’t excuse us when we act like mean girls, and it doesn’t excuse us when we simply have “mean girl” thoughts. So, I prayed for forgiveness for any mean girls thoughts I’ve had recently and not so recently. And I’m sure I’ll have to do so again – and again, and again. How about you?
Popularity: 1% [?]
Welcome back!
#1 Patrice on October 15, 2009:
I have one of those in my life. My husbands favorite brothers wife. She has been critical of my sons and me and has managed to convince a couple of the sister-in-laws of falsehoods about me. I like you am a mother bear with her claws out when my “cubs” are being attacked. I dislike her intensely and avoid her as much as is possible. Because my husbands brother is clearly the favorite in the family and is very social with everyone she has plenty of opportunity to ingratiate herself to all of them. She’s one of their drinking buddies and I’m not. Every year I dread the holidays and having to spend time with my husbands family.
#2 Kristie on October 15, 2009:
This is great advice. I have always been fascinated by the dynamics of mean girls and what makes them tick. My estranged mother was a mean girl, one of my SIL’s is the epitome of meanness, and now my daughters are dealing with mean girls. My oldest has it the hardest because half of the mean girls pick on her because they are insecure. My daughter is an accomplished dancer/singer/actress. The other half pick on her because she’s chubby, has tics, and is an easy target because she’s a people pleaser. I always tell her to take the high road. Like you wrote, meanness breeds more meanness.
The most important point you made is that meanness spreads like a virus. As mothers we need to be aware that we are modeling behavior for our daughters. If they see us gossiping or poking fun at others then they will learn that it’s an acceptable behavior. The majority of mean girls I know have mean mothers. That is why it is so hard to deal with these situations if they get out of hand because the mean mother just doesn’t get it.
Sorry for the long comment but this hits close to home for me since it seems we are always dealing with mean girls with my oldest. Like you suggested, we pray for them because there is some inner sadness or turmoil that causes their meanness.
#3 Sharon Melton on October 15, 2009:
This was a very helpful post about many things all woman have probably experienced in their life about “Mean Girls”. It has helped me think a lot about the insecurity I grew up dealing with a lot of mean girls and I swore to myself that I would never be one of them. As a mother I wanted to teach my children never to be a mean girl and yet I know I was the same way if someone was mean to one of my kids. As you stated meanness catches on like a virus and spreads. When you preach to you’re own children to always be nice to eveyone, even if that person is being mean to them, and then we get that mean mother feeling toward another child then what were we thinking? If only we could go back and change things, but we can’t. This post gives us many ways to stop and think before we act and I too will pray for forgiveness.